Women Jokes 

An English professor wrote the words, ''Woman
without her
man is nothing'' on the blackboard and directed his
students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: ''Woman, without her
man, is nothing.''
The women wrote: ''Woman: Without her, man is
nothing.''

Smart man +
Smart Woman = Romance
Smart
Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb
Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Boy: Do you have fever?

Girl: No,
why?

Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

What are the three fastest means of
communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Q: Which is easier for a man to
leave: the
women or the Wine?
A: It depends on the age.

Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to

change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of
Real Men around to do
it.

Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old,

ugly and poor man?
A: Stupid!

A young man called his mother and announced

excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
''Now what
should I do?''
His mother has an idea.
''Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your
apartment for a home
cooked meal?''
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later
the woman came
to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see
how things had gone.
'' I was humiliated,'' he groaned. ''She insisted
on washing the
dishes.''
'' What's wrong with that?'' asked his
mother.
'' We hadn't started eating yet.''

OUESTION: What is cosmetics?
ANSWER:
Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the
lines.

QUESTION: What is the difference between a

''Battery'' and a woman?
ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful

figure?
ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

A man was walking on the beach one day
and
he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said,'' I will grant you three wishes and

three wishes only.'' The man thought about his first wish and decided,

''I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There
was the
car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, '' I
wish I was
irresistible to women.'' POOF! He turned into a box of

chocolates.

Q: Why is a modem
better than a woman?

A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't

complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will

sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an
instruction
manual.

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it
was mentioned
that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as
important as watching
food intake, one woman responded with surprise
that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: ''Of course sleep is a
factor. The only time I'm not
eating is when I'm sleeping!''

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was

working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone

call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a
short
conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. ''I
just know
you are small, blond with blue eyes,'' he said. ''No,'' young
woman
replied, ''I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes.'' ''Close
enough!'' said
the trucker.

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife
about how she always get her way. ''Honey,'' she said to her
husband,
''when I get my way, that's a compromise.''
''What is it
when I get my way?'' he was quick to ask. She replied,
''That's a
miracle!''

One woman to another at a singles bar:
''I'm
not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days,
when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my
children
to spend every other weekend with?''

Shortly after the birth
of their second
child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a
new dress. He
endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints
about which
figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the

dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her

husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to

say. ''It's perfect!'' he exclaimed. ''It makes your waist look

smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips.''
Just then,
a voice from the dressing room piped up. ''If there's a
dress here
that will do all that- I'll take ten!''

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

''Never mind, I'll do it myself,'' and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, ''Now what are you mad about?'' says, ''If you don't
know
I'm not going to tell you.''

Women are like guns,
keep one around long
enough and you're going to want to shoot it.