Sex Jokes 

Bob calls in to his job:''Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work.''The boss says:''You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.''2 hours later Bob calls:''Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.''

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.''Sister,'' he asked, ''I wonder if you could tell me about this?'' (pointing to the crystal bowl)''Oh, yes,'' she replied, ''Isn't it wonderful?''''I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!''

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:''This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.''These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.Love,Honey Bearp.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.His dad said, ''Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.He went and asked and came back and said, ''She said yes''.''Well'', said the dad, ''Go ask your sister the same question.''He did and came back and said, ''She said yes.''And the dad said, ''Now go ask your brother the same thing.''He did and came back and said, ''He said yes too!''And the dad said, ''Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''''Yes it is,'' the man replies.''You wanna buy a baseball?'' the little boy asks.''No thanks,'' the man replies.''I think you do want to buy a baseball,'' the little extortionist continues.''OK. How much?'' the man replies after considering the position he was in.''Twenty-five dollars,'' the little boy replies.''TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!'' the man repeats. ''That's awful expensive'', but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.''It's dark in here, isn't it?'' the boy starts off.''Yes it is,'' replies the man.''Wanna buy a baseball glove?'' the little boy asks.''OK. How much?'' the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.''Fifty dollars,'' the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, ''Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.''''I can't. I sold them,'' replies the little boy.''How much did you get for them?'' asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.''Seventy-five dollars,'' the little boy says.''SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,''the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''''Don't you start that crap in here,'' the priest says.

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, ''I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, ''He's fantastic in bed.'' That's Advertising.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, ''Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, ''By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.'' That's Public Relations.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed.'' That's Brand Recognition.

It has been studied and determined that the most often usedSexual position for married couples is the doggie position.The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ''Business trip or vacation?''She turned, smiled, and said, ''Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.''He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ''What's your business role at this convention?''''Lecturer,'' she responded. ''I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality.'' ''Really,'' he said. ''What myths arethose?''''Well,'' she explained. ''One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'' ''Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.''Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. ''I'm sorry'', she said. ''I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.''''Tonto,'' the man said. ''Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.''

Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?A: He wanted to get boys pants ''half'' off!

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, ''Dude,thank goodness you showed up!'' ''I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.''The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, ''Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em.'' The friend said, ''Ok''. So the guy left.A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, ''I want a vibrator. What do you have?'' The friend said, ''We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.'' The lady said, ''I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag.'' He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, ''I would like a vibrator, what do you have?'' The friend replied, ''Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, ''Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?'' The friend said, ''Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want,'' so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, ''Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?'' The friend said, ''Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.''

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. ''What happened?'' she asks. ''I've never been with a woman,'' he says. ''But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!''

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ''Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.'' ''What?'' said the puzzled groom. ''How can that be if you've been married ten times?'' ''Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'' ''Good,'' said the new husband, ''but, why?'' ''You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!''

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads toanother and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doc says, ''I bet you are a surgeon.''She confirms, and asks how he knew.''Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands.''''That's very clever!'' she says, ''I bet you're an anesthesiologist.''''Wow, how did you guess?'' he asked.''I didn't feel a thing!'' she replied.

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, ''That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?'' ''It's a condom,'' The first lady replies. ''Well, where can you buy those?'' the second lady asks.''Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies.'' the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. ''Do you guys sell those condom things?'' she asks the pharmacist. ''Why yes we do,'' the pharmacist says a little confused, ''Do you know what size you need?''So the lady says, ''Well it's got to fit a Camel.''

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.Man who farts in church sits in own pew.Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

A guy goes to his doctor and says,''Doc, I have a problem.''''My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.''''I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.''The doctor says, ''You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.''The man says, ''You have a deal Doc.''Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, ''What happened''?The man answered, ''Nobody showed up!''

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!