Travel and tourist jokes 

Well-known lodging chain

announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see

a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an

M&M.

What is a twip?
A twip is what
a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.

Where
do werewolves stay when
they're on vacation?
At the Howliday Inn!

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip
into space ?
He wanted to find Pluto !

What do you get if you cross a

sheep with a holiday resort ? The Baaahaaamaaas !

''I can't believe
it,'' said the
tourist. ''I've been here an entire week and it's done
nothing but
rain. When do you have summer here?''

''Well, that's hard to
say,'' replied the local. ''Last year, it was
on a Wednesday.''

How can you tell elephants love to
travel ?
They are always packing their trunk !

A boat
docked in a tiny Mexican
village. An American tourist complimented the
Mexican fisherman on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch
them.

''Not very long,'' answered the Mexican.

''But then, why
didn't you stay out longer and catch more?'' asked the

tourist.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his
needs and those of his family.

The tourist asked, ''So
what do you do with the rest of your time?''

''I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, spend time with
my wife... In the
evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have
a few drinks,
play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few
songs. I have a
full life.''

The tourist said, ''I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and
I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue
, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat
will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your
fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly
with the processing
plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this
little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or
even New
Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.''

''How long
would that take?'' asked the Mexican.

''Twenty, perhaps
twenty-five years,'' replied the tourist.

''And after that?'' asked the
Mexican.

''Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,''
answered the
tourist, laughing. ''When your business gets really big, you
can start
selling stocks and make millions!''

''Millions?
Really?'' asked the Mexican. ''And after that?''

The tourist replied,
''After that you'll be able to retire, live in a
tiny village n
ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch
a few
fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking
and
playing the guitar with your friends!''

An American tourist
travelling
in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was
lucky
enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,

signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist
returned to Ireland and asked the antique
shop owner if he had any
more bargains. ''I've got the very thing for
you,'' said the Irishman.
''It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick''.
''You swindler!'' shouted
the American. ''You sold me that ten years
ago,'' and, producing the
skull, added, ''Look, they're not even the
same size!''

''You
have it all wrong,'' said the Irishman. ''This is the skull of
Saint
Patrick when he was a lad.''

A client called in inquiring about

a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,

''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to
Hawaii?''

Joan, who was rather
well-proportioned, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an
overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when
she heard someone running up the stairs. She
was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

''Excuse me, miss,''
said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath
from running up the stairs. ''The Hilton doesn't mind
your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday.''

''What difference does it make?''
Joan asked rather calmly. ''No one
can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel.''

''Not exactly,'' said the embarrassed
man. ''You're lying on the
dining room skylight.''

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi.
What is that
asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham
Palace answered the
taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have
much bigger houses
over there, and that. That is the Post Office
Tower. Oh our towers are
much bigger. This went on for much of the
day until they went past a
another building. Our buildings are much
bigger than that one too. I thought
it might be said the taxi
driver, That is the mental institute

Tourist: The flies are awfully
thick around here. Don't you ever shoo
them?
Native: No, we just
let them go barefoot.

Tourist: What's the speed

limit in this hick town?
Native: We don't have one. You strangers
can't get out of here fast
enough for us.

Police Officer: Why did you lead me

on a five-state chase?
Driver: I love to travel.

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece
of
candy?
Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the
hotel.

Q: How
many tourists does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to
ask for directions.

A police officer was amazed to see
a hiker
walking along the road carrying a sign which read ''To
Seattle.'' ''What
are you doing with that?'' asked the police officer.
''I'm walking to
Seattle,'' said the hiker, ''and I don't want to lose
my
way.''

Tourist: Is this 99 Main
Street?
Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse

people.

A huge American car screeched to a

halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a
local
inhabitant,
''Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's
birthplace?''
''Ay, straight on, sir,'' said the rustic, ''but no need
to hurry.
He's dead.''