Old age jokes 

Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her

rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a
modest home
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
after-school
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally
the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, ''You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your
thing.'' The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up jo
b on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted
the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.


''This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,'' he told

them. ''From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on

the cans.''

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but
they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few
days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.

''Look,'' he said, ''I haven't received
my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give
you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?''

''A lousy
quarter?'' the drum leader exclaimed. ''If you think we're
going to waste
our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!''

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing

problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, ''Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
again.''

To which the gentleman said, ''Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will
three times!''

For the first time in many
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to

purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, ''The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents.''

''Well, sir,'' the attendant replied with a grin,
''You're really
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..''

An old
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: ''I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
first?''

Patient: ''Well, give
me the bad news first.''

Doctor: ''You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
left.''

Patient: ''OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???''

Doctor: ''You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you.''

Three old ladies met on the street on a very
stormy
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
in
hearing each other.

''It's windy,'' said one.


''No, it's Thursday,'' said the next.

''So am I,'' said the third.
''Let's go and have a drink!''

An elderly lady did her shopping and,
upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with

her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding

to scream at them at the top of her voice, ''I have a gun and I know

how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !''

The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She

tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.

An 80 year
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his
wife asks, ''Where are you going?''

He replies, ''To the kitchen.''


She asks, ''Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?''

He
replies, ''Sure.''

She then asks him, ''Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?''

He says, ''No, I can
remember that.''

She then says, ''Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that.''

He says, ''I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.''

She replies,
''Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
will forget
that so you better write it down.''

With irritation in his voice,
he says, ''I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that.'' He
then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says, ''You forgot my

toast.''

An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.


''Bloomingdales!'' the rabbi exclaimed. ''Why Bloomingdales?''

''Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.''

Three ladies were discussing the
travails
of getting older. One said, ''Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
of
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,

and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a

sandwich.''

The second lady chimed in with, ''Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down.''

The third one
responded, '' Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
problem.
Knock on wood,'' as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said,
''That must be the door, I'll get it!''

Worried because
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, ''Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?''

A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.

''Well,'' asked Mrs. Silver, ''is she all right?''

''She's fine, except
that she's angry at you.''

''At me?'' the woman exclaimed.
''Whatever for?''

''She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,''' snickered
Timmy.

The Senate is investigating
deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
never
see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.

Two
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself ''I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light.''

After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
''Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!''

Mildred
turned to her and said, ''Oh, am I driving?''

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down

to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
lap.

The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, ''Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50.''

The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, ''It's his turn with the
teeth.''

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: ''And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?'' the
reporter asked.

She simply replied, ''No peer pressure.''

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass

surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and

diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!

When
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.

Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, ''Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps.''

The second old man says,
''You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.''

Finally the
third old man speaks up, ''Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.''

An elderly widow and
widower were dating
for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her
to marry.
She immediately said ''yes''.

The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer
was! ''Was she happy? I think so,
wait, no, she looked at me funny...''

After about an hour of
trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a
call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.

''Oh'', she said, ''I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying
'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was.''

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling

his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house
in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
''Who's the boss around here?'' he asked.


''I am.'' said the man.

''I have a black horse and a brown
horse,'' the farmer said, ''which
one would you like?''

The man
thought for a minute and said, ''The black one.''

''No, no, no, get
the brown one.'' the man's wife said.

''Here's your chicken.''
said the farmer.