Heaven and hell jokes 

A forester and a lawyer were in car
accident and showed up at
the pearly gates together.

St. Peter
greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the
homeswhere
they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy

vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road,

which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge

mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your
home
for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you
need, just
let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to
his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the
platinum highway, down the street of gold,
down an avenue of silver, along
a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath
to a shack. St Peter
says ''Here you go'' and goes to leave when the
forester says
''Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion
and I get this s
hack?''

St. Peter says: ''Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen
here, we have
never had a lawyer before.''

Three men were standing in line to get
into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, ''Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?''


So the first man replies: ''Well, for a while I've suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to
the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the
railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart
attack and died there on the balcony.''

''That sounds like a pretty
bad day to me,'' said Peter, and let the
man in.

The second
man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and
again asks for his story.

''It's been a very strange day. You
see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I
must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.''


Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty

horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

''Picture this,'' says the third man, ''I'm hiding inside
a
refrigerator...''

A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ''What have you

done to merit entrance into Heaven?'' The Lawyer thought a moment, then

said, ''A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the

street.'' Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and

after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint
Peter said, ''Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven.'' The Lawyer said, ''Wait Wait! There's

more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.'' Saint

Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,

too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, ''Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?''


Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,


''Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.''


Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, ''Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?''


So the first man replies: ''Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a

heart attack and died there on the balcony.''

''That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me,'' said Peter, and let the
man in.

The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being

full, and again asks for his story.

''It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when

suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was

saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best

I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and

started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here.''

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.

''Picture this,'' says the third man, ''I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator...''

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets

to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few
questions.

''Sure,'' GOD says, ''Go right ahead''.

''OK,'' the man says. ''Why
did you make women so pretty?''

GOD says, ''So you would like them.''


''OK,'' the guy says. ''But how come you made them so beautiful?''


''So you would LOVE them'', GOD replies.

The man ponders
a moment and then asks, ''But why did you make them
such airheads?''


GOD says, ''So they would love you!''

Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find

his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil

over and said ''Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.'' Satan

agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.


''Satan!'' beckoned God. ''You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!''

''Yeah? What if I don't?''
replied the devil.

''I'll sue you if I have to,'' answered
God.

''Sure,'' laughed Satan. ''Where are you going to find a
lawyer?''

A fellow finds himself in front of

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in

heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.

Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter

was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, ''Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!''

The man says, ''There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face''.


''Wow'', said Peter, ''That's impressive. When did this happen''?


''Oh, about 10 minutes ago'', replied the man.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St.

Peter greeted them, and said ''I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be.''

''Great!'' said the first guy,
''I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!''

''No
problem,'' replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. ''And
what
do you want to be,'' St. Peter asked the other guy.

''I'd like
to be one cool stud!'' was the reply.

''Easy,'' replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
''You'll find them easily,'' he says, ''One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!''

Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto
them saying, ''I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, ''How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?'' The first man replied, ''Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife.'' The Lord replied, ''Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, ''How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?'' The second man replied, ''Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice.''
The Lord replied, ''I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.


To the third man the Lord asked, ''So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?'' The third man replied, ''Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times.'' The Lord replied, ''I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.

A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. ''Why
are you crying?'' the two men asked. ''You got the
mansion and limo!''
The first man replied, ''I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!''

St. Peter is questioning three married

couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.

''Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?'' he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.

''I was a good father,'' he
answers.

''Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you

even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.''

St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
''Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here.''

Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, ''How do these represent
Christmas?''

''They're
Carol's.''

Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.

They are all asked,
''When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, ''I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man.''

The second guy says, ''I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow.''

The
last guy replies, ''I would like to hear them say, ''Look! He's

moving!''

Everybody on earth
dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and says ''I want the men to make two
lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other
line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want
all
the women to go with St Peter.''

Said and done, the next time
God looks the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the
men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on
the line of men that
dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said.
''You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from
him!'' Tell them my
son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man
said, ''I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.''

Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, ''What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it.''

The teacher answered
quickly, ''That would be the Titanic.'' St. Peter
let him through the gate.


St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: ''How many people died
on the ship?''

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. ''1,228,''
he answered.

''That's right! You may
enter.''

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. ''Name them.''

This guy dies and is sent
to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and
says he
must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan
opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in
cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says ''No, please show me the
next
room''.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow
manure up to
their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally,
Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people
in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and
eating cakes.

So the guy says, ''I'll choose this room''. Satan
says O.K. The guys
is standing in there eating his cake and drinking
his tea thinking,
''Well, it could be worse'', when the door opens.
Satan pops his head
around, and says ''O.K. tea-break is over. Back
on your heads!''

One day at the entrance to heaven, St.

Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly
Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God
and said,
''God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do

I do?''.

God replied, ''Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct
them down to hell.''

St. Peter went back to
carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes
running back
yelling ''God, God, they're gone, they're gone!''

''Who, the New
Yorkers?''.

''No, the Pearly Gates.''

Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4'', dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard,
''Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!'' And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.

This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of

womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was
heard, ''Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!'' And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:

''Cindy, you have sinned.''

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St.
Peter asks, ''Religion?''

The man says,
''Methodist.''

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, ''Go to room 24, but be very

quiet as you pass room 8.''

Another man arrives at the gates
of heaven. ''Religion?''

''Baptist.''

''Go to room 18, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8.''

A third man arrives at the
gates. ''Religion?''

''Jewish.''

''Go to room 11, but be very
quiet as you pass room 8.''

The man says, ''I can understand there
being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?''

St. Peter tells him, ''Well the Jehovah's
Witnesses are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones
here.

A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'


'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the

hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the

Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the

referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for

his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he

began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with

him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. ''Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you.'' The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.

The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel

reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take

one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase

and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to

greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, ''Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!''

But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
''You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through.''

St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, ''You brought
pavement?!!!''

Three people die, a Doctor a school
teacher
and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by
St. Peter he
asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would

do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go
in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught

educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may
go
in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?'
The man hung his
head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which
St. Peter replied,
'you may go in, but you can only stay 3
days.'