Dog jokes 

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to

completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said ''Why do you

want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy.'' The man
replied
''Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!''

Upon
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.

He asked the store
manager, ''Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?''

''Yep,
that's him,'' he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. ''That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?''

''Because,'' the
owner replied, ''before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him.''

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said
''Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!'' The dog said ''Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!'' The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
''Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??'' ''Sure!'' Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.

When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said ''It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me'' The owner was livid ''It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. ''ROVER!'' Shouted the owner ''You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!'' The dog replied ''I've never had a fiver
before!''

A man is
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, ''Pssst you come over
here!'' He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
''yes over here!'' Said the greyhound
''Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?'' The man thought
to himself ''Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings'' So he goes in search of the
owner.

He found
the owner and said ''I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??'' The
owner says ''No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!''
''But I do!'' Insisted the man ''I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. ''Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!'' Handing
over
the money the man said ''Why do you think that?'' The man replied

''Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's

life!''

A man was very proud of his guard
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. ''Is that your
big dog
outside?'' Wondering how she had got past him he said ''Yes
why?'' She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!'' ''What??'' Roared
the
man ''What kind of dog have you got??'' ''A Peke'' Replied the
woman. ''A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?'' ''I
think it got stuck in his throat!'' Replied the woman.

A man took his Rottweiler to the
vet and said
to him, ''My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do
for it?''

''Well,'' said the vet ''let's have a look at him'' The vet picks the

dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

''Well,''
says the vet ''I'm going to have to put him down.''

''Just
because he's cross-eyed?'' say's the man.

''No, because he's heavy,''
says the vet.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed

three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an
extraordinary
performance.
''That is a very smart dog,'' the man
commented.

''He's not so smart,'' said one of the irked players. ''Every
time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail.''

A local business was
looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the
following: ''HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.''
A short time
afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the
dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said,
''I can't
hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.''

The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a

perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager

and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager
was
stunned, but then told the dog, ''The sign says you have to be
good with a
computer.''

The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first
time.

By this time the
manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, ''I
realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some

interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.''

The
dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.


The manager said, ''Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be

bilingual''.

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said
''Meow''.

Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So
that they didn't
have to bend down to pet it.

Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A

Bloodhound.

Paul got off
the elevator on the 40th floor
and nervously knocked on his blind
date's door. She opened it and
was as beautiful and charming as everyone
had said.
''I'll be
ready in a few minutes,'' she said. ''Why don't you play
with Rollo
while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls
over, shakes
hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll
jump
through.''

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started
rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through
-- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.


''Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?''


''To tell the the truth,'' he replied, ''he seemed a little depressed

to me.''

Q: When is a strange dog
most likely to go
into your house? - A: When the door is open.

Q: What
happened when the dog went to the flea
circus? - A: It stole the
show!

Q: Why is a dog's nose in the middle of
it's
face? - A: Because it's the scenter.

Q: How did bulldogs get such flat
noses? - A:
From chasing cars.

Q: What has got four legs and an arm?
- A: A
Rottweiler in a playground.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop
barking in the
back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.

Q:
What do you say to a dog before he eats? -
A: Bone appetite!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it

was the chickens day off.

Q: What goes ''krab, krab, krab''? - A: A dog
barking in a
mirror.