Irish Jokes 

|The Doctor was puzzled ''I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ''''Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.''

|Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, ''Where are we now?'' The guide said, ''We're in the great state of Texas.'' ''It's a big place,'' said Murphy. The guide said, ''It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.'' And Murphy said, ''Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!''

|There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

|''Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?'' the solicitor questioned his client. ''Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?'' ''Oh, no,'' replied Mrs. O'Connor. ''Shure now, we have a carport.'' The solicitor tried again. ''Well, does the man beat you up?'' ''No, no,'' said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. ''Oi'm always first out of bed.'' Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. ''What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.'' ''Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.'' ''Mrs. O'Connor,'' the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, ''you need a reason that the court can consider. ''What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?'' ''Ah, well now,'' said the lady, ''Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.''

|A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, ''Fill it up, will you?''. The man says ''Sorry - we're right out of petrol.'' So the man considers, and says ''Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?'' And the attendant responds''Sorry, but no oil either.'' The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant ''Just what kind of petrol station is this ?'' The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man ''To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.'' The man then says ''Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !''

|(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. ''Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!.'' Mick says to Paddy; ''No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! ''OK!'' says Paddy, ''Where are we then?''Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ''Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North''''Brilliant!'' replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: '' Where are we now Mick?''Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; '' Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction.''Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: '' Where are we now Mick?'' Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; ''Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: ''That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats''. ''Well!'' said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!''

|Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means ''maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?'' The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. ''No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.'', replied Brennan.

|A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: ''Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.''

|Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. ''How did you like that jump, buddy?'' said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. ''It was great,'' said the sailor. ''But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!''

|Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn''t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, ''What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?'' ''Why, Dad, '' said Frances, ''Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!'' ''Well, next time, '' roared Phelan, ''just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!''

|An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, ''The trouble is the carburetor.'' He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, ''It's the carburetor that's not working.'' The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, ''Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway.''

|Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?A: It has a 12 month waiting list.Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?A: A St. Patrick's Day ParadeQ: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

|For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. ''Hooray!'' shouted the guide. ''Here comes man's best friend!'' ''Yeah,'' said Mulvaney. ''An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!''

|Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, ''Don't flush, I'm in here!''

|Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

|Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

|The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. ''Name?'' ''Brendan O'Connor.'' ''Same as mine. Where are you from?'' ''County Cork.'' ''Same as me......'' The policeman paused with his pen in the air. ''Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.''

|''Young man,'' said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. ''It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!'' ''I'm glad to hear you say that,'' replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. ''Everybody else says it's all my fault!''

|The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. ''Now don't let me ever see your face again,'' said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. ''I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir,'' said the released man. ''And why not?'' ''Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!''

|The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. ''Aidan,'' said the neighbor, ''I never knew you were so strong.'' ''Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.''